Flashbacks

Posted on Tue Mar 12th, 2024 @ 6:47pm by Commander Lorut Vila & Lieutenant Rowena "Rena" Campbell

1,806 words; about a 9 minute read

Mission: Short Treks
Location: Counselor's Office
Timeline: MD-04

Vila knocked on Rena's door again. She waited the customary one point five seconds before she entered, hearing the Betazoid's voice to enter. She settled on the couch, but was still a bit stiff, and sighed.

"We got a new crewmember," she said. "Names Scott Jones," she said. She made a face. "Humans," she shook her head.

Rena was already getting settled-she replicated two coffees and set one down in front of the Bajoran before she got her PADD and settled in across from her.

"I know," she said. "Max let me know at our last session. He has some...baggage that I might want to explore," she said. She paused. "This is your third session with me and I heard you saw Lt. Roaa. That's excellent progress, Vila. I want you to know that I recognize the difficulty you have had and I admire your strength in at least trying," Rena said. "What would you like to explore today?"

Vila sighed. "Thank you," she said, simply. What did one say, anyway, to something like that? "Flashbacks," she said.

Rena nodded seriously. "We can do that, if you feel like you're strong enough today," she said.

Vila nodded. "I have to be. I need...to sleep," she said. She sighed again.

Rena nodded once more, letting the other woman know it was ok to start. "When you're ready, Vila," she said.

Vila stared at the rug, unable to look directly at the Counselor. "I keep...remembering things I don't want to. Things I thought I had locked away for good, and it's...I can't sleep. And since I am trying to, you know, stop drinking so much...I have no way to stop it," she said. She paused a moment. "Lately...it's been my only successful pregnancy...well. As successful as it can be when the baby is born dead at three and a half months. I just remember....going to work that morning. It was a regular day. A Wednesday. I woke up not feeling well, but that was par for the course, and I didn't pay much attention because every time I did manage to get pregnant, I was sick the entire time until I miscarried. This time had been different...it stuck a bit and things were going....well. Not great, but ok. The baby was weak but alive and I was sick but alive, so." She shrugged, and sipped at the drink she was clutching. "I passed out sometime around 1000. I remember coming to on the floor of the chemistry lab on the ship...my ex-husband and the ship's doctor were there. Something about my blood pressure rising suddenly...anyway. I was allowed to go to my quarters with the promise I'd rest the rest of the day and report to sickbay if anything further happened. They transported me, even. And I went to bed. Slept a bit, but you know me, I can't be idle, so I moved to our couch bench thing, and tried to do a bit of work from there, but the nausea was just getting worse and worse. You know that Bajoran pregnancies are shorter than humans-about five months long. So I was close-ish, and I knew that if I could power through the last two weeks, a month early might be ok. My ex-husband had gone back to work, so I was alone...." She felt the tears come, but this time, she didn't bother to hide it.

"I don't remember much after about 1500. I got up to go to the bathroom-I had been making sure to stay hydrated, and I had my PADD with me-that was my promise to Ben-that I'd keep it in case I needed emergency medical help. So I took it. A bit later....I passed out again. There was...blood. So much blood. Everywhere. All I remember is screaming, and I guess I had managed to turn on the PADD but I don't...recall doing so. I don't know if I have just blocked it out or...I was sitting on the floor of our refresher, just screaming. The pain was...a lot. The blood...the baby had come early. Too early.
The doctor was able to find the fetus...on the floor where I was lying, but I don't remember passing it. Just the pain. And he was...not alive. They're not sure when he died, just...that they couldn't save him." She was fully crying now, her body shaking with the emotions of the situation, as if she were fully immersed in it in that moment again. "I just couldn't stop screaming. They finally gave me something to calm down. But I knew..." She stopped to take a breath, and Rena interjected.

"I understand. I don't think I'd be in my right mind, either," she said, gently. "What happened??"

Vila wiped at her face with a paper towel that Rena handed her. "They gave me an exam, and confirmed the miscarriage, and then I was put on observation overnight. That's when, I think, Ben and I started to go downhill," she said, nodding slightly. "The blood and the pain and the fear...it was too much for both of us, and he said he was tired of having to pick up pieces of a soul that could never fit back together. Who says that to their WIFE who had just miscarried their child?" She asked, her voice tinged with indignation. "Anyway. He blamed me. Said I couldn't leave well enough alone, that I worked too much, that it was my fault. If only I had taken bed rest like I'd been suggested...but I thought I had time," she said, starting to cry again. "They let me hold him. I called him Esau, after my Father, but Ben insisted that he officially be called Junior on the birth certificate thing," she said, waving her hand. "Benjamin Allen Johnson, Junior," she said. "He was a pretty baby. Tiny. Not fully formed yet...but had a single ridge here," she said, pointing to the spot at the top of her nose between her eyebrows. "And his hair looked like Ben's..." she smiled. "I loved him instantly. I've been seeing his little face...." She said. She finally stopped, and placed the empty tea cup on the table in front of her.

Rena paused for a bit before she started, to collect herself. The room was, of course, tense, and mournful, and Rena was doing her best to remain professional.

"I am sorry that that happened to you," she started. "And I know that sounds trite," she said. "But it's genuine. Of all the people who didn't need another terrible thing, it's you." Rena stopped for a moment. "I would imagine that your ex-husband was lashing out in that moment because he was also in pain, but of course...he should never have said those things. How did you respond?" She asked. She had read Vila's file, and had a pretty good grasp on what had happened.

"We fought. I threw a glass at his head, telling him he was an insensitive asshole and that I didn't know. I was doing my best. We'd never had a pregnancy proceed that long, so I didn't KNOW," she said, a bit defensively. She saw Rena nod and felt calm. Damn it. Damn Betazeds.

Rena nodded. "What happened to the...baby?" she asked. "His body, I mean," she said.

Vila sighed. She had pulled herself back together finally. "He was incinerated," she said. "Ben wanted some, but I did not," she said. "I have a photograph. That's all I need," she said. "As far as I know, Ben still has it. I have not asked, and I don't care," she said. "I keep it in my things. I can't display it. It's too painful..." she said.

Rena nodded. That's what she had read. "I understand. I don't blame you," she said. "I can't tell you what I would've done," she said. "Obviously. But I don't blame you fro not displaying it or even talking about it," she said. "And neither would anyone else. Thank you for sharing with me," she finished.

"Let's talk about some things you can do when you're dreaming about this, or having flashbacks. First, the box breathing thing. I know. It's corny, but just humor me, ok??" She sighed. "And let's see if writing this down will help. Not the whole incident. I just want you to write down what you're feeling when it happens. What are you thinking? Is your stomach upset? Feeling dizzy? And et cetera," Rena said. "Finally, I am going to talk to Dr. Greene. I think you might benefit from a mild sedative on days when your PTSD gets really bad," she said.

Vila shook her head. "I don't want medications. I need a clear head to do my job." She realized how lame that sounded, given her penchant for the bottle, but this seemed different. She didn't drink while on the clock.

"I know. I anticipated that you'd say no," she said, not missing a beat. "But..it won't need to be forever. We'll try four weeks. If it's not working or affecting your job, we'll take you off and try something else. I will clear it with Max, it'll be fine," she said, tapping a note to herself to make those calls.

Vila sighed. She felt like she wasn't going to win this one, so she just nodded. "Ok, fine," she said. "I better sleep like the dead," she said. Her visage had returned to its usual stony expression and her voice had taken back on its hard edge.

Rena sighed. "We did a lot today, Vila. Do you want to go on? We still have some time. Or we can put a pin in it here, and revisit it. It's your choice," she said. Rena had, by now, figured out that when the Bajoran returned to her regular façade, she was done for the day.

"I think...I would like to revisit it next week," she said.

Rena smiled lightly. "Alright. That's perfect. You can always come see me before next week if you'd like," she said. "Otherwise, I'll see you again at the same time," she said.

Nothing more was said between the two women as Vila simply left-the woman wasn't known for her pleasantries. Today, Rena didn't mind. She was exhausted. Max put her through her paces, but Vila was different-much rawer and more emotional than the Captain, with a wild change of personality when she'd had enough. Still, the fact that the woman had completed four sessions already was promising, and Rena would be happy to report that when she did her weekly reports.

She sighed deeply, but crossed to her desk to make her required notes and calls.

 

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